Food Play
by Unoriginality
Summary: Bucky continues in his quest to find things on the internet to traumatize Steve with. He'll never look at Hot Pockets the same way again. (Winter Soldier spoilers, and yes, this article is real.)


Bucky stared at his tablet. He couldn't be reading what he had loaded right. Maybe it wasn't in English and his brain just wasn't able to parse what it was in. He checked his tablet's language settings. No, still on English. He threw the page through a translator, hoping that maybe the article itself was in a language that he didn't know. No, not that.

Well, that left two options. Either Hydra had screwed with his head enough that he now no longer could read right, or he was actually reading what he was reading.

At that precise second, he couldn't be sure which was better.

After browsing away to another tab to read something else, he had to conclude that there was just no hope for mankind.

"Hey, Steve."

Steve didn't look up from his paper. "Yeah, Buck?"

Bucky took a second to decide how to approach this in the worst way possible as to ensure that Steve suffered this loss of faith in humanity with him. "Can I ask you a question? Rhetorically?"

Steve lowered his paper a bit, giving Bucky a dirty look. "What did you find this time?"

Bucky took one more look at his tablet, just to make sure he wasn't imaging things, then looked back up at Steve, feeling genuinely confused and vaguely violated. "Would you ever stick your dick in a Hot Pocket?"

For the longest minute in the world, Steve didn't answer, didn't even change his expression, then went back to his newspaper. "Leave me alone, Bucky."

"If you ever decide to, this guy recommends wearing a condom first."

"Duly noted." Steve sounded like he was doing his best to ignore what Bucky was actually saying.

Bucky was not about to let him get away with that. "And make sure it's cooled."

Steve dropped his paper, staring at Bucky in horror. "Wait, you mean not only did this guy decide this was a good idea, but he wasn't even smart enough to let it cool first?"

Bucky shook his head, trying desperately not to laugh. "He did it on a Twitter dare. Which is better than the guy who put a flower in there." Then he paused, seeing something else in the article. He tilted his head to the side, trying to figure out how what it was saying could work. "Apparently, he-"

"Bucky, if you continue speaking, I'm rolling up this newspaper and smacking your nose with it."

Bucky decided to take the chance. "-managed to pull this off with a poptart. I can't even imagine how many ways you'd have to mangle yourself to do that."

Steve made good on his promise, rolling up his newspaper and smacking Bucky soundly in the face. Which really only made Bucky laugh. Steve gave him a look that promised to incinerate Bucky on the spot. "Why do you share these things with me?"

"Because sharing is caring," Bucky replied. "Besides, do you hate me enough to make me suffer alone?"

"Yes," Steve said without a second of hesitation.

"Then I hate you enough to traumatize you," Bucky said just as quickly, having really expected that response.

Steve held out his hand. "Give me that tablet. I'm taking the internet away from you for the day."

Bucky grabbed his tablet off the table and held it out of reach. "The hell you are. You don't let me go out in public without a harness and muzzle, what the hell else am I supposed to do with my time?"

"That does it." Steve put his paper down. "Come on, we're going out. I don't care where to, as long as it'll shut you up for awhile. That's the third time in an hour that you've done horrible things to my brain."

"Oooh." Bucky turned his tablet off. "I'm going out for walkies? Will you throw a stick so I can fetch it?"

Steve gave him a cross look. "If I get a stick, it'll be to beat you with."

"You're a heartless bastard."

"I'm sure I'll live with myself somehow," Steve said in a dry tone, yanking on his shoes.

Bucky grabbed his hat. "And Steve?"

"Whatever you are about to say had better not damage me for life, Bucky."

"We're not buying Hot Pockets ever again."

"Agreed."


End file.
